Anticipation

People tell me I'm impatient. I read the last chapter of mystery novels first. I read spoilers. The last week before Christmas is a nightmare! I'm really not impatient. I'm anxious.

I like to know how things are going to end so my stupid anxious brain can't think up the 100,000 possible things that could go wrong between now and the end. Until they officially all live Happily Ever After, the prince could fall and break his leg and end up in the hospital and get the warms for his nurse. You never know.

The last 2 weeks of August were a complete disaster for me. Allie Rae was starting school for the first time and I was a complete and total wreck worrying about what might happen to her. She might get stuck in a class full of mean girls. Her teacher might be an ogre and make her cry everyday. She might be too shy to talk to anyone and be all alone and in the corner all by herself!!! I don't think I slept a wink for at least the 10 days before she started school.

But you know what? She did great. She came home from school bouncing off the walls. She made 3 new friends the first day alone. Her teacher is so sweet and Allie really responds to her. She loves music and art class the best, buys her lunch from the cafeteria and has done so much better socially than I could ever have dreamed of.

It's not all perfect. She cried and hung on to my leg for 3 quarters of her soccer game Tuesday. I don't know what set her off. She really wanted to play and did really well at her first practices and even her first game. Tuesday was a fail, though, and I'm sitting here an hour before her next game with my stomach in knots wondering what the hell is going to go wrong tonight.

That's what I mean by tackling self-improvement this year. I'm already getting pharmaceutical help for the anxiety, which has made a tremendous difference over the last year. Now I just need to teach my old brain new tricks. Allie told me this morning that she would be on the field when I get there tonight and she seemed to be looking forward to it. We talked about how I don't expect her to be the best player on the team or to score 100 goals a game or anything. I was thrilled last Thursday when her foot accidentally came in contact with the ball on 2 separate occasions! I just want her to learn to be a part of a team and get a little exercise.

So I'm telling myself to relax. As long as she doesn't hang on me crying, tonight will be just fine. Anticipating disaster is the best way I know of to make sure it comes knocking.

So go to hell, anxiety. You aren't wanted around here anymore.